If you don't know, you don't deserve to
by Len Bon
Summary: The rift between Rachel and New Directions had always existed, but as they once again question Jesse St. James' presence in her life as well as belittling her, the truth comes to light. AU Canon up to end of Season 1


**If you don't know, you don't deserve to. . .**

**Summary:** The rift between Rachel and New Directions had always existed, but as they once again question Jesse St. James' presence in her life as well as belittling her, the truth comes to light. Rachel is ready to divulge the truth of the summer that just passed, enlightening the members, all in order to keep the love of Jesse. It appears that New Directions really don't understand the implications of all their actions prior to today, nor do they comprehend that perhaps they do not know Rachel as well as they had originally thought. AU Season 2

**Themes:** Mentions of suicide and bullying.

**Rating:** T (Puck and Jesse swear when they are passionate, as well as suicide mentions not exactly being K)

**Pairings:** St. Berry; Puckleberry friendship; Cohen-Berry friendship

**Notes:** This is kind of canon to Season 2, it being set at the Sectional's of Season 2, except Finchel truly doesn't exist! I have no doubt that Rachel would've needed time to mourn Jesse St. James fully, as well as the loss of her mother, and I completely believe that Finn, being the complete douche that he is, would be unable to fully give her time, nor understand what Rachel is actually feeling. As such, I reckon that Finn, being such an ass, would've forgotten all about Rachel and just moved on with his life, not having any emotional complexity to get what is going on. With that being noted, enjoy the story?

* * *

They are just walking through the lobby, out of the theatre, some feeling content enough, others relieved and one person in particular feeling frustrated and dejected, when they hear it. The name called is so soft at first that the recipient doesn't hear it at first, most of them just ignore it. However, it then comes a second time, slightly louder, with a little bit more force than prior, and they all turn their heads and bodies to face the area that was formerly behind them, trying to see who is calling out to their co-captain; the voice seems kind of familiar but not overtly so.

Rachel, however, upon hearing the voice recognises it immediately, and finds that as soon as she has turned, and had her suspicions correct, begins running towards the figure dressed in all black. The other members, the ones she has just left in her dust as she approached the owner of the voice that called Rachel a few moments ago, look upon the scene ludicrously. They aren't really sure what is going on as Rachel's body collides with the boys and is lifted into the air and twirled in a tight embrace, clearly displaying their joyous feelings at the reunion between the two.

Then, as quickly as it happened, recognition of the situation dawns on each member, excluding Finn and Brittany (of course). The looks of confusion instantly shift to that of glares, eyes narrowing and bodies tensing and hands fisting. As Rachel is placed on the floor, her feet firmly touching ground, but her arms not really leaving his neck whilst similarly his hands remained on her waist, they begin movement towards the inevitable confrontation that is about to occur.

"I didn't know you were coming! I thought I told you not to!" Rachel was spouting, ten miles a minute, clearly excited. "We both knew I wasn't going to be singing so you didn't have to come!"

The group finally reached the two, both completely oblivious to the hardy stares being received by the members of New Directions. Rachel is still gushing quickly whilst he listens intently and chuckles at the speed of not only her words but her mouth movement and exaggerated expressions. Both are looking at just each other, not paying any attention to anybody else.

"St. James." Puck nodded in acknowledgement towards the other boy, stealing his attention away from the tiny brunette in front of him. His curly locks bounced on his head as he offered a curt nod to the mohawked boy now in front of him – he isn't exactly smiling, considering the presence of Rachel's so-called 'friends' but his lips do twitch slightly at the corner at Puck's clear acceptance of him and the situation.

"What is St. Jerk doing here?!" Kurt's voice chimes in, making Jesse's and Rachel's heads snap towards the slight male. The boy in question was currently scowling at the two, who moved slightly away from one another under the glare, causing Rachel's hands to drop from his neck and one of Jesse's hands to fall from her waist, the other moving to the small of her back.

"I came to watch Sectional's. . ." Jesse offered the group nonchalantly and pretty darn vaguely.

"Why? Spying on us for Vocal Adrenaline? You just don't give up, do you?" Artie piped in from his chair, causing the boy being questioned to drop his head slightly before his eyebrows rose a little, clearly surprised.

"Why would I be spying for Vocal Adrenaline?" He quipped, a playful smile falling on his lips.

"Rachel, what are you doing with him?" Finn was still looking confused as he finally found his voice. His eyebrows were furrowed, clearly trying to process what he was seeing, and thus he was unable to copy the glares of his fellow friends. He looked between Rachel, attempting his version of exploring her face for recognition of emotion so that he could grasp some idea of the situation, and then Jesse's face, trying his hardest to understand. After moving his eyes between the two a couple of times, it started to dawn on him that Rachel was standing pretty darn close to Jesse, her with her back to one of his shoulders, as Jesse's hand lay softly on the small of her back. He tried to figure out how they could be standing so intimately considering the last he heard Rachel hated Jesse for the egging and she was still into him, pining after him. . .

"More importantly, what have you been telling him? Spilling all of our secrets again? He is clearly playing you, girl!" Mercedes was now staking her claim in the conversation, and similar to last year, she was distrusting as ever. She eyed St. Asshole suspiciously, and hardened further when she looked at Rachel. She loved Glee too much to let that girl just give away their chances at National's again. . .

"I can assure you that we do not discuss show choir when we are together, we have much more pressing things to converse. Besides, not only did she not divulge secrets to me last year over your precious New Directions, she still hasn't. I am not even with Vocal Adrenaline, so why would it make any difference if she did deign your precious little family secrets to me?" Jesse looked at each one of them, clearly not attempting to sugar coat how ludicrous he thought they were being.

"Why are you even talking to him again? God, he broke an egg on your head, did you forget? Are you really that stupid, Rach?"

Jesse's head snapped towards Finn, a look of pure anger flared on his face as his eyes narrowed at the ignorant lumber of a boy in front of him. He growled, "Don't you ever insult Rachel! She is not stupid! In fact, she is pretty damn lucky stupidity isn't contagious because I'm pretty sure you'd transfer some of your low IQ onto her!"

"Wow, guys, lets all just calm down!" Puck was the one that spoke reason, though his lips were tugged into a smile, clearly amused by Jesse's comment. "Look, my Jewish-American Princess and St. James really aren't any of our business!"

"What are you on about, Puck?" The boy's former baby mama, the icy blonde, spoke up, her words cryptic with a tone nobody could quite place.

"You need to tell them, Berry. . ." He urged the girl he had come to care about deeply in the last year.

Taking a deep breath, Rachel shifted slightly uncomfortably before swallowing and looking at her team-mates squarely. "Jesse and I are dating. We have been since September."

Chaos then ensued, as most would probably expect. Santana fell into fluent spanish, hatred seething from every word. Tina looked unsure, glancing at the girl she half considered a friend. Sam look just confused – he didn't even know this Jesse kid, though he had heard the abridged version of their tragedy. Finn was looking pretty angry as well as confused whilst his pride fell to pieces right then. Artie was speaking like a black rapper, trying to express that this be 'disrespecting da homies'. Brittany was asking if Jesse was still in touch with his father, Mr Shuester. Mike just held Tina's hand, nodding along to the questions she was now throwing at Rachel and Jesse. Kurt was explaining how outraged he was at his fellow diva's admission, saying that she'd ruin the club with her foolishness. Mercedes spat out how naïve she thought Rachel was as well as how Rachel clearly didn't deserve to be the lead of New Directions. Quinn asked a couple of questions, shrugging as she attempted to hear the responses. Puck looked on, offering a supportive smile to his fellow Jew and her boyfriend. Jesse pulled Rachel closer, tensing his hand around her waist, holding onto her possessively and trying to answer the questions being thrown at them, the ones he deemed worthy. Rachel has tears spring to her eyes at the accusatory, mean words that her fellow singers were uttering at her whilst moving closer to Jesse, allowing his body to support hers as she began to slump against him.

"What is going on here?" The curly-haired Spanish teacher and choir master at McKinley moved towards the crowd, his voice cutting throw the ensemble of speech that his entire club, plus Jesse were creating, turning heads within the theatre. "Jesse, what are you doing here?"

"He is deluding Rachel again, making her fall in love again to ruin our chances at National's!" Mercedes piped in, angrily, clearly mind made up.

"Is this true? Are you back with him? You do realise that you'll likely end up hurt, right?" Will looked at perhaps his most talented student, remembering how she fell apart last year following the curly-haired, talented brunet that stood next to her.

"I love her! I wouldn't ever hurt her again, which is more than I can say for the rest of you!" Jesse snarled at not only the group of teenagers but the teacher as well. As he glared at each and every one of them, he caught sight of Noah Puckerman at the end, scowling slightly at his previous statement. Correcting his mistake, he said, "Excluding Puckerman, of course."

"What do you mean, Jesse? When did this happen?" Shuester looked confused at that admission. As far as the sorry excuse of a mentor knew he had never actively hurt Rachel, other than the odd refusal to give her a solo and thus better her personal character.

"We reconciled during the summer. My father's and Noah contacted him on behalf when I needed all the help and strength I could receive. He apologised, and I accepted his remorse to be not only genuine but also assistive in the healing process I endured." Rachel spoke up, moving her face first to smile at Noah, the boy she had learned to call best friend over the closeness they shared over summer, before craning her neck to look up at her boyfriend, the one she knew she loved and was destined to be with, and beaming at him.

"What happened over the summer?" Finn asked adamantly, curious as to what the girl he thought he loved and he thought who loved him had meant.

"If you don't know, you don't deserve to." A menacing growl hit through the silence that had surrounded the members. Will looked at Puck, the speaker of the sentiment, confused at first before the realisation of the implication of summer dawned on him. He'd known, being a faculty member at the school Rachel attended, he had been informed not only at the start of term, but weeks prior to the reunion of the school, due to Hiram and Leroy Berry believing him to not only be partially responsible but also to prepare him.

"You returned only after you received the news? Surely knowing what had happened would stop you from coming back, hurting her again. . ." William Shuester directed towards the very talented, yet completely ruthless boy that was Jesse St. James.

"I did return upon hearing what had happened, when Puckerman persuaded me that Rachel needed me, but I had already regretted our past love story ending as well as my treatment towards this beautiful girl. I'd planned on returning to beg her forgiveness at some point regardless of situation. Also, I'm not going to hurt her. What part of 'I love her' do you not understand? Rachel is the best thing that has ever happened to me, or most of you for that part, and I don't plan on jeopardising her, or my, future happiness again. I live and learn, unlike you!"

All members, most notably Finn and Sam, looked highly confused at this point, clearly not knowing what the situation the three males were discussing, nor understanding the insinuation of Jesse's words towards Will. However, it was Tina and Quinn that heard the message that Jesse was speaking loud and clear, he loved Rachel, and he really wasn't going to hurt her again – it closed some of the doubts of, though their curiosity about the summer remained.

"What the hell happened over summer?" It was Santana that interrupted the staring contest between Jesse and Will, Rachel biting her lip nervously at their apparent showdown.

A bitter laugh escaped Jesse's lips. Running his free hand, the one not on Jesse's waist, through his curly locks, he added, "I agree with Puckerman's earlier sentiments. You don't deserve to know, it wouldn't change anything!"

"Somebody better star explaining, I swear!" Kurt cut in but it wasn't soon that silence ensued, nobody daring to speak a words as they waited for their resident diva to explain.

"I attempted to take my own life." Rachel spoke softly, clearly nervous considering she was shuffling her weight from foot to foot, and was moving further back, falling into Jesse as much as possible. Uttering the words, the tension built amongst the group, and Jesse clutched Rachel's hip harder, almost possessively, as his other hand moved to grasp her shoulder where his fingers tapped a steady beat upon the joint.

"Tha-that isn't possible!" It was Tina who spoke the words that she was pretty sure all the friends were thinking. Rachel was the strongest person she knew, the most talented, abrasive, strong-willed, brave and amazing person she knew; it just wasn't true what she was saying.

"Were you hoping to get more attention with that blatant lie?" Mercedes sniped in, clearly still distrusting and as bitchy as she ever was (though the bitch only reared its ugly head when Rachel was involved. . . jealousy does that).

"Fuck off!" It was Puck that was once again speaking, defending the girl that he once declared made him want to set his body alert. He moved away from the group to stand on the other side of Rachel, shoulder almost touching Jesse's, and he simply glared at the people he considered friends. "You don't get to say shit like that to her, not ever again. Why the fuck would she lie?"

"When would she have, you know, done it? Be realistic man. . ." Finn, the buffoon, called the question on everybody's mind.

"Realistic is Rachel thinking she wasn't worth shit due to not only this poor imitation of a show choir because you are all too damn jealous to appreciate how talented she is. It is her feeling inadequate in every way because you, yes you, you lumbering fool, are the most hypocritical idiot that I've ever had the misfortune to meet. It is her questioning everything and everybody because not even her 'teacher and supposed mentor' stops the bullying and hurtful comments she was subjected to. You are all so far up your own arses that you can't recognise what Rachel went through." Jesse was snarling again, agitation written all across his face whilst his eyes were darker than most would dream humanly possible. Noticing that one of the members was about to call out, he continued with authority. "It is also because I was a complete ass, I can recognise that. I am in no way denying that I fucked up when I chose a competition over Rachel instead of realising that she was perfection and everything I needed. However, she would've been able to withstand that if any of you lot, her supposed-friends were around to make her feel better. No, instead you swan off not giving a damn about anybody's happiness but your own."

"Dude, that's enough. I didn't do anything to Rachel!" Finn was once again reluctant to speak of his own part in Rachel's improbable story that she had spewn about suicide attempts.

"Finn, you are a complete ass!" Once again, Noah (because at this point he was the boy with the golden heart) took over from Jesse in the protection of not only Rachel's reputation as an honest person but also her heart and psychological stability. "You don't deserve Rachel because you put her through hell. You lied to her, and yeah, you may have told her you loved her, but you never actually showed her. Man, after she didn't say it back, you turned into a fucking pussy, getting drunk, saying stupid things about her and then hooking up with three different cheerleaders. You think she wouldn't notice all the pictures on Facebook, dickhead?  
"Actually, you all completely suck. I hate every one of you, at this moment, even you Quinn. You are the biggest load of fucking hypocrites I've ever met. There is one set of rules for us, but another for Rachel. None of you have ever cut her any slack, insulting her left right and centre. You accuse her of being annoying, and okay, her personality is, how her dads described, overbearing at times, but she is always honest and nice. Quite frankly, you are all cruel and damn nasty to her, yet willing to accept everybody else.  
"Do you remember the first glee party of the summer? When even though we had been invited to Santana's party a week earlier, all except Rachel, we decided to meet as just New Directions. We all went over Mercedes', and I'd stupidly told Rachel about it earlier that week when we'd been at the temple. I'd assumed she'd known considering it was a damn glee party. However, when I got there and she wasn't seen and you all told me that you didn't fucking want her there – she _**is **_our fucking glee club! - and thus she wasn't invited. It took me twenty minutes, but I finally figured that something must be wrong. Do you remember how I left and didn't bother coming back? That's because I got to her house to find her barely breathing having taken too many fucking sleeping tablets! You, we, did that!  
"And do you remember when I finally turned up to another glee event? Three weeks later and I urged you all to get into contact with her. . . None of you fucking did! None of you had contacted her since school broke out, and we all knew that she'd be hurting due to Jesse and Shelby and all that shit. God, I'd contacted Jesse two weeks prior,, not even telling him anything but Rachel really needed him, after me and her dad found her suicide note and decided it would be best, and not only had he flown back from his vacation in Paris, but he deferred UCLA for an entire year! He put everything on hold for Rachel, making sure she'd get better, and none of you could even pick up a fucking phone, or write a shitty note via Facebook.  
"She came back to McKinley, acted like everything was fine, and still none of you gave a damn – even you Mr Shue. In fact, I think you're the worst, because you even knew and you still gave Rachel so much grief. Wasn't it just last week that you shouted at her for not being a team player after you took her rightful solo away? You make me sick!"

Puckerman was breathing heavily, staring at each member individually for at least 30 seconds, almost daring them to rebuke his statement. His eyes were shooting daggers at each of them, and his hand was protectively holding Rachel Berry's; the girl with the big voice but even bigger dreams; the girl who had apparently been broken beyond repair at one point.

"I didn't. . . I really didn't know, Rachel!" The Asian girl, almost in tears, broke out, voice shaky and stutter that she used fake almost imminent. "I was at Asian Camp, with Mike. . . We didn't have access to computers or cell phones or anything. I didn't attend any other glee meeting except the first one, and I'd not contacted anybody! You're my friend and I. . . I just. . . I truly didn't know!"

Puck's gaze lightened slightly towards the goth girl, and she noticed that Jesse was glaring a little less at them, but he still wasn't happy.

"What about the rest of you lot? You clearly don't care!  
"Similarly, Will, you spineless, ineffectual barely-teacher. You yelled at Rachel? Rachel, he yelled at you? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you do it, Shue? Rachel, this was the kind of thing that you were meant to tell yours dads and me about! We want to know so we can help you!"

"Oh please, he was speaking the truth to her, it was completely deserved!" Santana spat at the boy who was busy staring at Rachel, trying to assess her mental well-being.

"No, it wasn't." Rachel's voice appeared weak and almost detached, but still held a certain presence that only Rachel Berry could achieve. "I didn't deserve that, and I understand. It took me a whole summer to come to the realisation but I do in fact merit better actions and attitudes from all of you. Ask me 5 months ago and I honestly would've agreed with you because I was foolish enough to have believed every word of poison that you'd uttered my way. Despite this, I feel the urge to tell you that all your efforts to assassinate my personality, confidence and pride were uncalled for and cruel. I make no reservations about the difficulty of my personality, how my outspoken nature can appear abrasive and my ambition as well as assurance passes for egotistical, but nevertheless I do not deserve your cruelty. It took me all summer to rediscover this notion, and return my confidence to the standards that were formerly Rachel Berry, but it has occurred.  
"Now, your reluctance as a group, and this includes you Shue, has led me to reassess my thoughts upon my acceptance in New Directions. I returned to McKinley, despite the bullying I receive from the general student body, because despite the actions, or therefore lack of, that I received from you over the summer, I firmly believed that my loyalty was not misplaced, because I had deluded myself into somehow believing that you were not only my friends but cared. However, following this conversation, as well as memories of the past few weeks and months from my return to our school, I have come to the conclusion that I was wrong. I will ergo be heeding the advice of not only my parents, Jesse and Noah but also that of medical professionals to reassess my options both school and choir wise. It is with this that I wish to tell you that not only am I resigning as New Directions' co-captain, lead singer, diva and star but also that I plan on leaving McKinley high to move to a school that fully appreciates not only my talents but my contribution as a member and human-being.  
"Goodbye, New Directions. Think of it this way, at least now you do not have to worry about me spilling your secrets to Jesse St. James, former captain of Vocal Adrenaline, current boyfriend of Rachel Berry and indescribable amounts of talent."

Rachel moved forward, shifting herself out of Jesse's grip, moving her hand to take his, before leading him through the shocked crowd that was New Directions, tied winner of that Sectional's competition.

She flipped her hair dramatically as she pushed the door open and executed a picture-perfect storm out.

"Well, I don't really wanna get a bus with you peeps, so I'm gonna ring my mum for a lift!" Puck spoke up, pushing through them, not dissimilar to how Rachel Berry, talent extraordinairre just had, to the door and out the stuffy lobby that was the Sectional's theatre.

Piping up, Tina called out after Puck, running to catch up with him. "Do you happen to have Rachel's number, I figure it is essential in keeping in touch with her?"

The rest of New Directions looked confused and in awe as it slowly dawned on them that not only had they lost their star performer, but they had also lost the chance of actually knowing the girl that was Rachel Berry, the girl who would take the world by storm one day. Not only had they alienated her every chance they got, but they tried to take away the person who seemed to genuinely care about her. Man, were they such fucking hypocrites, just like Puck had said, or what?

* * *

_And yeah. I don't like Season 2 and 3, so I just decided to disregard everything that happened between the end of Season 1 and now. This is pretty damn AU, but I don't care. Also, all things considered, it is pretty damn late, but I've been reading a lot of St Berry, and I wanted a chance to reconcile them way before they even got close to falling as far as part as they did in Season 2._

_Similarly, in my version, Finchel never happened over the summer._

_P.s. Sorry I haven't updated my other stories in a long time. . .  
_


End file.
